Buen dia mi gente, and welcome to La Vida Más Chévere de Childfree Latinas, the only Spanglish podcast for childfree Latinas y Latines helping us liberate ourselves from the toxic cultural brainwashing we all grew up, with so that we can design our best lives instead. I'm your host and resident childfree Latina Paulette Erato. Last episode, our guest Mafe mentioned that the number one bingo she receives is, "Who's gonna take care of you when you're old?" Okay, first, let's get the definition of a bingo out of the way. If you've never heard the phrase childfree bingo, and I know some of you miraculously haven't, here goes. It's a question or comment we childfree people receive so often, it's such a common thing to hear, that it can become part of a bingo game. You just check them off as you go. So to say that you've been bingoed means that you got hit with a super common retort, or you were asked one of these super common irritating questions like, who's gonna take care of you when you're old? I'll link you to an actual bingo card for childfree people I found on Reddit. So you too can enjoy all these other questions and comments you should never say to childfree people. Just don't. I posted a Thread about this, which of course will also be in the show notes, asking childfree people, "what's your plan?" I'm genuinely interested in what other people plan to do. You included! Text me from the link in the description to tell me what your plan is for when you get too old to look after yourself. Let's exchange ideas. Don't forget to put your name in those texts. Yes? And if I get some good ones, I'll read 'em in a future episode. Back to my Threads post. You can read the responses, at least the sane ones, at your leisure. I'll come back to the more unhinged ones in a bit. Because as certain commenters pointed out, this is a very selfish reason for having kids. Remember how we talked about selfishness? Just like what, two, two episodes ago, very recently, and how people want to call us childfree people selfish. Hey, that's a bingo too. So as the commenters said, some of who were parents, even if their opinions and comments weren't invited, it's pretty gross to create children simply as your insurance plan for end of life care. I could tell you how this conversation usually goes if you've never had it, but how about a little reenactment instead? I know you're enjoying my silly voices. I will play both the childfree person in a normal voice and the childed person in a different voice. Them. Do you have kids? Me. No. Them. Then who's gonna take care of you when you're old? Uh. And this is when we can answer a couple of different ways. A common one that keeps coming up in those comments was they're gonna use the money they saved by not having kids and put that towards insurance, care, et cetera. And then sometimes when you say, oh, you know, I'm gonna hire someone they come back with, "so someone else's children are gonna take care of you. How selfish!" You see where this is going, right? Nowhere, because people like this seem to forget that professional caregivers, which yes are someone else's children, they choose their line of work. No one forced them into it. Hopefully. Unlike non-professional caregivers who were simply born without a choice. Those children did not choose to be born, and they didn't choose to become caregivers either probably. Conscripting them into that service isn't just selfish, it's shortsighted. But before we dive deeper into that, where did this idea come from? Caring for our parents and grandparents is seen by a lot of people as not just a familial obligation, but also a moral one. A lot of cultures are built on this foundation. But in the US we tend to discard and ignore our elders. There's a reason we women joke that we become invisible after a certain age. We are literally not seen. Remember my experience getting run over by male podcasters a few episodes ago? That isn't uncommon. We're simply dismissed. US culture focuses on youth and beauty, and then you age out. You see this in our social policies. Sure, seniors get discounts at some places, but they're also losing benefits across the board that they paid into for decades because of the cruelty of our current government. Again, I mentioned that in the selfish episode, so I'm not gonna rehash it now. But what happens when a culture that venerates its elders clashes with the American philosophy of rugged individualism? You get a weird gray area summed up by this quote I found on Quora by a Janice Palesch."I strongly believe that it is the family's duty to care for each other as best they can. That includes caring for children, parents, grandparents, and any other close relatives. We used to do that much more in the US until people became so wrapped up with getting and having, instead of being and doing. I took care of my parents for the last 14 years of their lives. I considered it my privilege, my honor, and my sacred trust. Those were hard years, but some of the very best years of my life, I would do it all over again if I could. Parents care for their children for 18 years or more while the kids are growing up. It seems to me that children owe their parents at least those same number of years to care for them. One day, each of us will be old and infirm. What kind of care would you like to have? Do you want your family to take care of you, or do you wanna be packed off to an institution where you will very likely be abused? The answer to your question isn't difficult. It is, what would you want for yourself? That is always the correct answer." Whew. No doubt Janice considers herself morally superior to anyone who doesn't want to do the caretaking. That aside, I chose this quote because it sums up a lot of discourse around this topic, and even though I don't agree with all of it, the idea does come from the philosophy that it takes a village. We see that brought up a lot when people start having kids, that their family and friends should step up and help out. Likewise, as people begin to age out of being able to give that support, they should be on the receiving end of it. It sounds nice, and this is a topic that Yoreim and I dissected over two episodes last year, links in the notes. But our society is not set up that way. We've moved away from the quote unquote being and doing that Janice claims we had before we came, like she said, wrapped up in getting and having. Okay. But that's how our society has moved. Together. We're all in it. For any parents listening that think it's insane that people would have kids in order to take care of them. Look, it's anecdotal, but I've heard this myself from parents, in all kinds of social settings, at alumni events. Yes, people really do think like this. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a bingo. It wouldn't be a universal experience for so many different childfree people. So let's talk about what's wrong with that thinking. What's wrong with assuming that your children will take care of you? Well, what does taking care of mean? Are the parents completely dependent on them financially and physically? It wasn't until recently that you could even add your adult parents to your health insurance, and in some states you still can't. So the older adults have to carry their own insurance. Who pays for that? It used to be that their pensions or social security covered it. But those are gone now or they will be soon. So now what? It's a nasty reality, but one that we're all gonna have to deal with. We are all God willing going to get old. So going back to our usual retort of using the money we saved by not having kids and putting that towards end of life care. What happens if you were never in a spot to afford that? What if you're living paycheck to paycheck right now with no means to create a retirement plan? But thinking beyond that, is it selfish to assume your children will feed, clothe, and house you like you did for them? Do we owe it to our parents? I can't answer that for you. I will say I wish our society as a whole had better social safety nets, not just for older generations, but also for new parents, for young kids like SNAP and school lunch programs. But we don't, or very soon, won't. So how are we simultaneously ignoring our elders as a society while also demanding moral obligations from individuals? Is this another toxic cultural norm? In the words of the great Alex Falcon? Yep. So why aren't kids an insurance plan for old age? Well, first of all, it's selfish, plain and simple. Full stop, selfish. If the only, or the main reason, one has children is to be taken care of later, I sure hope that they are developing the most loving, respectful, affirming relationship with those future caretakers, that they're putting away enough money to put them through college so they can have super great paying and flexible jobs to be at the beck and call later, and that that person is saving money to fill the gaps their insurance or their children's lifestyle won't be able to provide for them. And if those children have their own children and they're before become sandwiched between two dependent generations. Woo. Good luck with that. Let's examine what else can go wrong in the meantime. So you have a child. Cool. What happens if that child becomes disabled and isn't even able to take care of themselves, much less you? Or are you just gonna have another one? That's chilling. Kind of gross. Like parents who have a spare child when the first one needs a kidney transplant, they're literally creating a new human for spare parts. Another scenario, what if the child dies? Who will take care of you then? Or worse yet, what if you can't have children at all? Going back to our Quora quote, Janice claims that it was a privilege and honor the best time of her life to spend 14 years caring for her parents at the end of their lives. But caretaker burnout is real. And this story completely ignored that. She didn't tell us what she did in order to minimize it or even mitigate it for herself. And she doesn't have to, we're not entitled to her life story. But I'm not sure characterizing it as the best years of her life is truly honest, either. Maybe she had help, maybe she hired some, maybe she conscripted her own kids into caring for them too, continuing on that legacy of moral obligation. We don't know. But what happens when a parent doesn't create a loving, respectful, affirming relationship with their kids? What about adult children who were abused by their parents? Are they still morally obligated to look after their abusers? That's a reality for lots of people. So what are the other options? Let's go back to that Threads post and read through them. Ehm_equestrian said that they're going to "assume my true form as a crow and let my cats eat my body. Seriously though, use my money to pay for in-home nursing or assisted living. Have a great living will and stay close with other childfree friends." It started unhinged, but then ended in reality. Although becoming a crow sounds nice. Stephorswell.cronan said that she's gonna end up at the same nursing home as the people who have kids most likely. Yeah. Being in community, that's really important. Black Elle Woods said, "hopefully me taking care of myself now as far as fitness and wellness so that I can be as independent as possible." Yes. Planning. It's not just about making a will and putting things in a trust or having enough money or insurance or what have you. It's also about actively participating in your life now to ensure you're going to even last that long. You, me. and. this city had this to say,"kids are not a commodity. You shouldn't put it on them to take care of you in your old age. By then, they are their own people with their own lives. That puts a strain on the end of life relationship you'll have with your kid, and many times they'll end up resenting you and wishing for it to be over." Hmm. The next one's from someone outside the US, their bio reads, English, Irish, ginger, living in the Brisbane sunshine. So Ginger Georgiana said, "nursing home, and I do have kids. I don't want my kids looking after me. I want them to visit me." Well, hopefully they've created that kind of relationship that will lead to that. But we all have heard the horror stories of how often people are abandoned in nursing homes. Improvisations on reality said they're gonna "buy property with friends and take care of each other in retirement. Or move to an assisted death state and take myself out once I no longer enjoy a quality of life." Quite honestly, that sounds like a good plan. The next person is Damajue, who's also a childfree Latina, and she popped in with my personal favorite. It's down to earth advice. She's also who I get all my Thrivecart and Airtable systems from, so I'll leave you affiliate links to her stuff in the show notes too. Here's what Damajue said, I don't know, probably a cousin or a nephew or a nurse at home. Who can know? But having a child is no guarantee someone you love will take care of you when you're older. And it feels so uncomfortable when people talk about that's part of why they want to create life. In the meantime, I live life to the fullest while living below my means and setting aside a savings." Yes. Ace Bennet said, "TBH. I don't think society's gonna last that long. But if it does, I don't intend to live long enough to need lots of care. We've extended life, but the quality of that life is poor. Why would I want to live with a crap quality of life? I won't have kids or grandkids to hang on for because I'm childfree and I'll be able to do all the things I want to get out of this life. So what's the point of going through painful and exhausting treatments for a few more crap years?" Okay. Get the point that maybe Ace Bennett doesn't wanna stick around once life gets hard. And that's their prerogative and hopefully a legal option. One of the parents in the threads, Ann Reeds St. Bay, had this to say, "I'm a parent of a child with a disability. He will never live independently, so I will be taking care of and providing for him into my elder years and then paying after I pass for him to be safe. Having kids is not a guarantee of having care later in life. My retirement plan is gonna be funding his life, not mine." That's a lot. Nino 972 said, "Golden Girls-ing it up with other friends, both with and without children because our elder care should not be a burden on the next generation. And sharing the cost of an aid to look after all of us. Signed someone who just spent the last six years caring for my mother." So maybe not everyone feels like Janice, like it's an honor and the best years of their life. Chronically Colie Cat wrote, "if you're having children just so there's somebody to take care of you when you're old, save everybody the trauma and don't have kids." Agreed. There are over 170 responses at the time of this recording, and I'm gonna end with this last one, which is a stark contrast to our Quora poster, Janice. Porthos 426 wrote."after caring for two parents with Alzheimer's for the last seven years, I'm setting up plans for myself now. My daughter will not go through what I did." Bravo! Wait, one last exchange between two people in the comments. Neil, the Curly Horse wrote, "lie down and die naked in the woods." To which Chat Souriant wrote, "I don't think I'll be naked, but that's probably what I'll do assuming my mental faculties are still intact. Just like other animals. Once I know it's time to go, I'll find someplace that's away from people and just...lie down." It's a nice thought. All right. Like I said, there was over 170 responses. It had something like 18,000 views when I recorded this. And if you wanna see them, there'll be a link in the show notes. I'll also throw some of the funnier ones in Substack for the Super Cheveritas too. So go check that out. And let's wrap this up. So today we learned what a bingo is. Why they're just plain bad. Seriously, please stop saying these things to childfree people. We explored a little bit about what these ideas are rooted in. We examined why they don't make sense for everybody, and then we got some unhinged takes on some future humans' futures. If you are childfree, I wish you a bingo free life. Please make sure to text me what your end of life plans are. And if you're not childfree but you learned something here, please share this episode with other parents. And if you're none of those, or if you're all of those, I hope you stay hydrated and that's a burrito. Hey mira, if this episode made you feel some kind of way, dígame! DM me on Instagram or send me a text, you can do that right from your phone. If you wanna be a guest on the show and put your story out there too, check out the guest form on my website at Paulette Erato dot com slash guest. Yep, just my name. Paulette Erato.com/guest. Y no se te olvide que hay más perks when you join the newsletter. Todos estos links estan en los show notes. Muchísimas gracias for your support y hasta la próxima vez, cuídate bien.